Sandwiched in
-
- June
- 18
I’m trying to visit my father every day while he’s in the nursing home. It’s only about a half-hour drive, so not that hard to manage.
But Monday I couldn’t do it because I had to work, then take my 15-year-old to the doctor. Then it was too late in the day to go. And of course I felt guilty.
Until now, I never fully understood this whole sandwich-generation thing. Sure, I got the concept. But like anything, you can’t really relate until it happens to you.
Everybody who’s been in this situation seems to say the same thing: when you’re squeezed between taking care of children and parents, it’s near-impossible to bother taking care of yourself.
How have you managed?
Any tips?
This entry was posted
on Wednesday, June 18th, 2008 at 3:43 pm by Linda Lombroso.
You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
Share and Enjoy: 
| 
Print
| 
Email
Baby boomer Linda Lombroso was born in Queens and grew up in Port Washington. She began her journalism career at New York Magazine and Rolling Stone, but left to pursue a master's degree in elementary education. Shortly afterward, she returned to magazines as an editor at US magazine, but again left the field, this time for the birth of her first child. Linda and her family moved from Manhattan to New Rochelle in 1988. After spending 10 years as a stay-at-home mother, she joined The Journal News as a police reporter in 1997. She's been a Life & Style writer since 2000. This is the only year her three children are teenagers at the same time, which means she undergoes a daily critique of hair, makeup and wardrobe. Her parents still live in Port Washington Ń and they like everything she wears.
Just this past year my mom was finally out of the last rehab facility and living with my sister. But for over a year she was in the hospital then in and out of several nursing homes. It wasnt easy. But I managed to see her almost everyday. Some days were better than others. some days i missed. just to the best you can…
Hi Linda,
You’re doing it. You just “do it.” Imperfectly, chaotically. It’ll never feel like you give each person you love enough—your kids, your dad, your husband…you just keep going and sometimes you are putting out fires, meaning you’re taking care of an emergency or near emergency, and once in a while you have a meaningful, spontaneous moment. Sometimes.
I cared for my mom who had Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s while I was raising our three teenage daughters, and I loved them all and we “got by.” My kids learned that being a part of a family sometimes means waiting your turn, pulling long hospital stays, and giving hugs when the tears come.
I wish you well on your journey.
~Carol D. O’Dell
Author of Mothering Mother: A Daughter’s Humorous and Heartbreaking Memoir
available on Amazon
www.mothering-mother.com
I have had many family care issues in my family, and my knowledge, experience and compassion lead me to sell long-term care insurance. My own father was one of my first clients to go on claim, and I will tell you that having the money to afford home aides of our choosing (without depleting our own savings) made an incredible difference.
Dont believe it when someone tells you long-term care insurance is too expensive, because you can buy whatever you can afford (assuming your health is still good enough to be accepted by an insurance company.
I can tell you that long-term care insurance prospects fall into two categories: those who know how much pain and work is involved and have an intense desire not to burden their own family…....and those who are in denial that this could happen. Those people tell me things like “we will take care of each other”......as if a 70- year old woman could lift her 70 year old husband!!!
Nobody likes to talk about long-term care insurance, but you are doing your readers a disservice by avoiding the subject.
I have an informational long-term care website at www.richardsauerhaft.com
I actually left my full-time job last year for just this reason. I couldn’t tend to my teens and my failing parents and maintain my sanity. It’s a struggle to keep up with the part-time work I do now at home. I was glad to have had the time with my dad last year, because it turned out to be his last. And you do have to stay on top of the staff in charge of your elderly person. My mom is now in assisted living, and it is a great relief to know she’s well looked after. But they don’t think of everything, and it is a good thing I am nearby to check up on them and her. I don’t know how this works if you live on the other side of the country from your loved one.
I cope by maintaining my social life and giving myself free time. I get massages and facials as needed. I belong to a chamber choir, so I sing regularly (this is key for me), I allow myself to retreat to my bed and hug a pillow in a darkened room as needed to calm down, and I do have a Rx for Xanax, of which I take a tiny half of a 25 mg pill as needed, and I need it only occasionally, maybe once or twice a month. The med helps me get past overwhelming anxiety that paralyzes me and prevents me from getting anything done.
Otherwise, as in any stressful phase of life, I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and try not to let myself get overwhelmed. I consult the professionals available to me as much as possible. I bring everyone in on the issues, so I’m not struggling alone and no one can accuse me of neglect for want of trying to do the right thing.
All in all, I feel the younger members of my family-
my childrenare the ones who deserve my best efforts for the simple reason that they have an extended future. It’s a Sophie’s choice kind of situation-when I am forced to make a choice between the young and the aged, the young win out because what I give them is an an investment in the future. That’s just the way it has to be when there’s only one of me to go in several directions.Like everyone said, you just kind of do it.
When my mother was in the nursing home, I tried not to have a predictable (time of day) visiting schedule, so she wouldn’t be expecting me at a certain time.
I did take a “day off” every now and then. I told her the day before that I just couldn’t get there the next day, but that I’d be back the following day.
Sometimes, I’d try to arrange another visitor for those days.